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Hearts Full of Secrets

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”      ~ Charles Dickens

Why do we have to be a secret to other people? Is it so bad to open up to people? How do we know when the right time is? Above all, how do we know that they won’t hurt us in the end?

When we tell someone all of our secrets, we leave ourselves vulnerable, open to pain and suffering. But at the same time keeping it all in causes pain and suffering as well. Why are these decisions so hard to make? Deciding who to trust shouldn’t be as hard as it actually is. We all need someone we can trust, we can’t live our lives alone. That’s not healthy. So why do we test people so much when it comes to trust? If we need someone so bad we should willingly be able to share ourselves with them without the worry that they will hurt us. If we have that doubt in our minds then maybe our subconscious is right. We shouldn’t trust them from the start. We should go with our gut. If we want to open up to someone, then we should. We shouldn’t worry about being judged for wearing our heart on our sleeve. Yes, we may get hurt, but then again who doesn’t at some point. We will get hurt just the same by building up walls.

Why is acceptable to tell a therapist, someone who is a complete stranger, our life story so they can help us, but if we tell a friend too much we risk getting hurt and we are seen as being weak? Why is expressing our emotions and feelings so frowned upon? I understand that there is a draw to the unknown and the mysterious. Don’t people realize though that those who are secretive and mysterious are just looking for someone to open them up; someone to break them down so they can share their story with them. So why must we be a mystery and a secret to each other? If we feel the need to share ourselves with someone, we should. We don’t need to wait and test their loyalty because they may just give up before that point. They may already believe that you are the person you pretend to be. At that point it’s too late. So follow your instincts, if you think you can trust the person then I say ‘Why not, go for it!’, life’s too short to worry about things like that. You can spend your whole life waiting for the person to share your mystery with, the person who you can trust completely. By that point, your mystery will eat you away. You’ll pretend to be someone to keep your secret a mystery to the point where you won’t be the person you were. You won’t be you.

Secrets are only good when shared. When it’s only with yourself, it’s destructive. Just follow your heart.

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The Heart Grows

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

I found this quote today and realized how true it was. It has been a month and a half since I’ve lost my best friend. I’m not good with dealing with pain and my emotions, I never have been. I always just let them flow out of me. I have always lacked strength. I guess this quote was the trigger that told me what I needed to hear. The relationship was only one-sided, at least for the greater part of it. I loved her and would have done anything for her. I realize that she did give me courage, I felt like there was so much more I was willing to do if she was there. I thought I felt a strength as well but I now realize that was only me leaning on her for support. I was unable to deal with situations on my own, I required her guidance.

I thought that made our relationship strong, the fact that we both leaned on on another and counted on each other. But really, it showed a flaw in our friendship. She was the strong one, I had nothing. I may be one of the strongest people I know for dealing with everything I have been dealt and making it through everything without letting the world see my pain, but I think my weakness in that relationship nullifies it all. I still wish we could be friends but I know the chances of that are unlikely. I wish things could be different but I know they won’t be. It hurts everyday, some days more than others. The pain will never leave, she was my best friend plain and simple, but I have learned to be happy despite it all and each day with a smile on my face. I refuse to let my past cloud my future. Someday I will be strong in every way. Someday I will have a love that gives me both strength and courage.

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Pursuit of Happiness

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkein

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. I’ve just had so much on my mind and trying to organize it and get it typed out has been difficult. It was actually quite overwhelming so I kept putting it off. That and the fact that I’ve been so busy socializing and doing school work. But now I have decided that I am ready to write again and I honestly have been anticipating this all day. I just decided I was in such a good mind-set and I told myself I’m going to do this!

So here we are. I’ve finally decided I’m at such a good place in my life right now. I can’t remember a time I was this happy. I’m sure there was some time in my life where I was happy like I am now. But I feel like I spent a majority of high school unhappy and even if I was happy for a little while it was overshadowed by the unhappiness and didn’t last for long. I’m in such a different environment now and there isn’t anything right now to take away from my happiness. Knowing that and how happy I am just makes me so much happier. I really didn’t think this was a possible state for me and I honestly cannot tell you how I came to this point. I don’t know how I was able to deal with everything I went through this summer leading up to college with a positive outlook and an open mind but I did and that has made all the difference.

I knew no one at this school and that worried me a little and excited me. I was afraid I was going to be alone a lot. I knew I would find people to talk to but I was worried I wouldn’t find people to hang out with; that I wouldn’t find my niche. I was excited because I had nothing connecting me to home. I could be anyone. I definitely opened up. I have no reserve when talking to people. I feel so free and I feel like I can be MYSELF. I think that’s what contributes so much to my happiness. I’m meeting so many great people. (and great guys). I finally know what it’s like to hang out with guys ad not have to like them and be physically attracted to them.

I feel like it’s a community here. I walk to class and I see people I know and I just say hi and it makes me feel good. I walk into my building and I see people I know and I just stop and talk. I feel so at home. Even more than in my hometown. I mean I feel at home with my family and of course my friends but that’s like 10 people out of the hundreds. Here it’s so many more. I also feel like there is so much to immerse myself with between classes, clubs, other activities, and friends. There’s no time for me to bored. Every minute I spend in my dorm I feel like I’m missing so much so I try not to be in my dorm as much as possible.

I think the things I’ve dealt with have allowed me to liberate myself in college. I’ve held on to probably four friendships from high school so far. Those will be my close friends at home and I’m sure I’ll see other people but I know the people who will make me happy and I’m going to keep them close because this is such a good feeling. It really is a natural high and I never want to come back down. I’m just living one moment to the next and enjoying everything. The times I spend alone in my dorm, the times I spend with my friends here, the times I spend talking to my friends back home, the times in class, and the times in between class. I have embraced every situation I’ve been given.

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Hidden Language of the Soul

“It was not the thorn bending to the honeysuckles, but the honeysuckles embracing the thorn.” ~ Emily Brontë

I have finished my first “week” at college. Let me just say it has been quite eventful and interesting. I never would have thought I would adapt so well. I thought I would either not want to go out and do things because I would be so homesick or I would be so wrapped up in school activities that I wouldn’t have time for myself and home and I would lose myself. But it seems that I have been able to find a happy medium.

I have never been one to socialize extensively and that kinda made me nervous about college because I am living with my friends and even in my room I don’t really get a break. But quite honestly, there isn’t much to do in your room so I typically only go to my room in between some of my classes if I have a long break or at night. I tend to spend my afternoons/evenings with some friends and that is plenty for me. It is more than back at home. It’s also nice that my roommate likes to go out a lot at nights because that gives me some time to myself. Although I’m not sure how she does it because she has early classes and I go to bed at midnight and she still isn’t back.

My classes were definitely not what I was expecting. I was expecting to be thoroughly lost. English isn’t my strong subject but it doesn’t seem all that much different from high school and Computer Science might be a little difficult for me but I think I’ll be able to handle it. My calculus professor sounds like the character Gru from Despicable Me so that just makes the class so much better and on top of that when he was going over course topics I kept asking myself when all of the calc II topics I didn’t already learned were going to be discussed. I feel like this course is an extension of calc I and an introduction to calc II. Hey, I’m not complaining about that because that makes it all the more easier for me. I was expecting my dance class to be a lecture class where we learn about the body and music and choreography from a book. Turns out we are actually dancing and choreographing dances. It was a pleasant surprise but I am a little nervous about how things are going to be graded and how points are going to be worked. I’ve never been graded before on my dancing and creativity. But I definitely think that this class will help me to grow as a dancer and choreographer. It will help me to understand my body and feel more comfortable with myself and it will also help me to understand and feel the music I am choreographing to.

This first week away from home has taught me a lot. I have learned how to manage things on my own. Being responsible for my own meals and getting myself to classes and other places I need to go, how to get by without a car. But most importantly, how to deal with being away from everything I know, how to start over. It has allowed me time to really think about my relationships with people and find out what it is I want in those relationships. I have found a lot of that from just thinking and also with meeting new people because you see similar things in them that your friends back home have and you can see what exactly it is that you like about that person. I found that the people back home who were important in my life and proved themselves to be and those who showed me that I was important to them will continue to play the dominant role in my life. I have built those friendships for years, I don’t think they can be replaced in four years nor do I want them to. Sure I might make lasting friendships in college but those friendships will stand side-by-side with my friendships back home.

I intend to make the most of my experiences from here on out. No matter what life gives me, I will always embrace and not succumb to. I won’t let my surrounding situations bring me down. They may shape who I am, but they won’t define me, I define myself.

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Measure for Measure

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man doth know himself to be a fool.” ~ William Shakespeare

Today was my first day of classes as a college fresh man. (So exciting!!) I had English and Computer Science today. The two classes I was looking forward to the least. But now I’m actually pretty excited. My English professor is young so it seems like he will be able to engage with us as a class and put himself at our level and not above us which I was a little nervous about. His syllabus scared me but in person he seemed a lot more relaxed. I love to read and discuss and occasionally write about it so now I’m excited for this class. I’m still not excited about computer science but I’m not as worried. It doesn’t seem like it will be too hard and I think it will be good for me to learn about computer programming a bit since I am a math major most likely going into systems security. My work load also isn’t too bad so far. MUCH lighter than high school!

I’m just very excited because I think I will get so much out of my classes. Everyone says classes in college aren’t like your classes in high school. That scared me. But it really isn’t something to be afraid of. The professors want to engage in higher level conversations with you. Every professor is there to help you, wants to help you, they encourage you to go to them for anything. They don’t look down to you quite as much as high school teachers. They know you are an adult now and on your own. They appreciate your opinion and don’t make you confine to any specific style of writing or learning. Although my English professor said we don’t have our creative license yet. Maybe at the end of the semester. I want my license! I hate writing to certain standards. But I’ve been doing it this long, I should be able to deal.

Things are starting to calm down here, not much but a little. It’s nice because it was all overwhelming and I don’t do too good with that. I don’t like to be surrounded by people all the time. That’s how things are here and I need time to myself. My plan is to just take things measure for measure here. I plan to balance everything. School work, family, friends here, friends at home, and me time. I have to make sure I don’t loose myself on this journey instead of finding myself.

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