“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu
I found this quote today and realized how true it was. It has been a month and a half since I’ve lost my best friend. I’m not good with dealing with pain and my emotions, I never have been. I always just let them flow out of me. I have always lacked strength. I guess this quote was the trigger that told me what I needed to hear. The relationship was only one-sided, at least for the greater part of it. I loved her and would have done anything for her. I realize that she did give me courage, I felt like there was so much more I was willing to do if she was there. I thought I felt a strength as well but I now realize that was only me leaning on her for support. I was unable to deal with situations on my own, I required her guidance.
I thought that made our relationship strong, the fact that we both leaned on on another and counted on each other. But really, it showed a flaw in our friendship. She was the strong one, I had nothing. I may be one of the strongest people I know for dealing with everything I have been dealt and making it through everything without letting the world see my pain, but I think my weakness in that relationship nullifies it all. I still wish we could be friends but I know the chances of that are unlikely. I wish things could be different but I know they won’t be. It hurts everyday, some days more than others. The pain will never leave, she was my best friend plain and simple, but I have learned to be happy despite it all and each day with a smile on my face. I refuse to let my past cloud my future. Someday I will be strong in every way. Someday I will have a love that gives me both strength and courage.